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Grief is a Sneaky Beast

lefsemakingThis Christmas marked the one year anniversary of Mom’s death. My first thought was to take a trip. I didn’t want to be at home and relive last Christmas. I had forgotten we were hosting my in-laws, so my urge to run away from Christmas at home was thwarted. However, I was happy to be able to enjoy the holiday with family around.

I recognize now how my instinct to run from problems has changed over the past decade. I couldn’t run away from the call to step in and help my parents–but I did have minor tussles with myself when things got really tough. Caregiving changed me in many ways and I have to admit this one was a change for the better.

I learned to live in the moment and focus on what is in front of me. My mother-in-law used this Christmas to pass the baton on my husband’s family tradition of making lefse for the Swedish dinner. It’s a three day process. The first day you make the dough, the second day you make the lefse … and the final day is all about eating. It was a wonderful new tradition to absorb into our holiday.

On Christmas Day, I knew I had 5 sets of eyes on me. My husband reassured everyone that I would not want to talk about mom or the event. We actually had a lovely Christmas and I only reflected fondly on my memories of both my parents who weren’t with me. I was happy to have moved through the holiday surrounded by family and know every year will get a little easier.

I was surprised to find myself in tears two days after Christmas when I walked into a Valentine display. I will never see a box of Russell Stover’s and not think of my mom. I’m still shocked at how quickly the sadness descends to remind me of my loss. However, I’m now more mindful to quickly fill that void with all blessings that currently surround me. Enriched. 

10 comments on “Grief is a Sneaky Beast

  1. Grief certainly is a sneaky beast Kay, it creeps up on us at unexpected moments.

  2. So true, I think we prepare ourselves for those big triggers, like holidays and such, but then something out of the blue strikes us on an ordinary day and our protective walls come crumbling down. Glad you had a relaxing holiday with loved ones.

  3. Sending thoughts of loving support. Grief is indeed sneaky and it walked alongside me and tripped me up for a surprisingly long time after my mum left us. But I know now that good griefis also the next stage in the love for the person who has passed and for the human relationship no longer with us.

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