3 Comments

What to do if my siblings won’t help?

barney-stinson-self-five

Do what you can to support yourself.

A reader made a fair point when I posted I’m Overwhelmed and my Siblings Are Not Helping (Thank you Monique).

My siblings helped … eventually. I felt very alone the first few years when they didn’t see the issues I was seeing regularly because I was the only one that lived near my parents. I start from the premise that if you try, you may find that your siblings may join you. So first, I hope you will give them the chance to step up by over-communicating and for asking for specific help.

I had given up before my siblings stepped in and bonked me on the head to reengage.

Should your siblings fail you, do the best you can and move on. We can only control what we do, and the job you have is difficult enough. If you are in this place, my suggestions are to:

  1. Find a local caregiver support group. Go online and search and you will be amazed to find support groups for children, spouses, and even by diagnosis.
    • Try the Alzheimer’s Association, they usually offer all types of support groups and you search by zip code.
    • Contact your county Area Agency on Aging. They should know of some local resources.
    • Contact the local retirement communities, assisted living, and memory care communities — they usually host the support groups and know what is offered locally. Usually someone in the sales department can help you.
  2. See if there is a local village that can help your loved ones and provide recommendations for local vetted resources.
  3. Contact an Aging Life Care Manager.  Nurses and social workers by training, these individuals can help navigate health issues and find quick solutions to care needs. While they do have an hourly rate from $150 to $200, they might be able to find a solution to something that might take you days and weeks to navigate. You don’t know what you don’t know and it’s nice to have an expert on aging in your back pocket.
  4. Meet with a Daily Money Manager. They typically specialize, and you will want to find one that serves seniors. I have been doing this service for other families after my caregiving journey ended. I focus on the financial issues like paying bills, reviewing invoices, and maintaining the home and reporting back to adult children who aren’t near mom and dad.  I find that within the first month I find a variety of ways to eliminate robo-calls, save hundreds of dollars on unused services, and even access unused benefits for care services. I can also make a direct introduction to the right solution, be it a personal care assistant, elder-law attorney, or auction house.
  5. Tell your siblings what you are doing and offer a summary of accounts … and oh, yeah, compensate yourself for your time if you are able to do so. The reality is that caregivers on average give up over $324,0044 in lost wages and retirement compensation. My husband and I added in compensation for those individuals who are supporting us a DPOA and trustee — and are working toward ensuring that we can afford to compensate our loved one for stepping up because we know it not only can result in lost wages and opportunities, and is a job that would be compensated if we hired someone to do it for us. Thanks for your comment DW, I can’t believe I forgot to include this!

Whether you are an only child, or your siblings have let down mom and dad and aren’t stepping up to help, find ways to support yourself in helping your loved ones.

I regret not bringing in more help when Mom was alive. Instead of spending time following up with the community nurse, I could have been out enjoying a meal or and event with my Mom.  Hindsight is 20-20. Reflected. 

3 comments on “What to do if my siblings won’t help?

  1. I have one sibling who isn’t any help. I have to say, he did tell me “not interested” and has stated his feelings clear that “he supports me” and for me to do what I needed to do but he doesn’t want to be a part of mom’s care, etc. Mom was tough and toughest on him so I get his perspective. He has told me on several occassions that I can “walk away as well and just let her be” to preserve my own emotional health. He never questions the money spent or her assets (though I am very transparent and let him know what is happening”. Still, I know that in the end — all will get split evenly. I have come to peace with all and do what I need (visit Mom (now in memory care), ensure she has what she needs, make medical decisions, etc.). My advice is “do what you have to do”. Also, be honest with sib — if you take time off work, spend money, etc. for the loved one, then tell non-active sibs that you are $$compensating yourself at your salaried rate for time and expenses (gas, mileage). I’m doing that –fairly (not every time) but certainly for all the trips and time taken for clearing out house, selling house, banking, etc. It’s not alot (doesn’t compensate for worry, lost sleep, emotional toll) but at least it is something and he is aware of it.

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