As an Army brat, I learned to embrace change. While I hated leaving good friends, I could quickly jump in and find new friends in our new location. It has never really been a scary concept for me and when it doesn’t happen, I quickly find I grow restless. I love to learn new things and challenge myself, and change helps foster that environment for me. However, caregiving brings a host of change for everyone. Sadly, it’s now mostly un-positive changes.
For the first time I’m recognizing how much the changes are depressing and discouraging me. My mom is now in a wheelchair full-time and too weak and unsteady to ever get back on her feet. While she was in hospice and “graduated” out, it just seemed to bring on the need to change equipment, medications, doctors, and her schedule. While my mom is not rapidly declining, she is withdrawing and less-interested in doing the community activities as well as the little arts-and-craft activities we would do together.
She’s moving in and out of varied issues from temporary blindness to mid-dinner regurgitation. We never seem to find a root cause. When she woke up one morning with a very swollen and bruised hand, we just focused on treating for comfort since mom could never really report what occurred and it did not seem to be broken.
Change used to come with the potential for something better. Unfortunately, I recognize that almost ever change I’m facing comes with something less-better than it was before. I recognize what I can’t change, I’ve taken a huge leap with MemoryBanc to change the things I can and help other families on this journey, but I admit that some days, managing as a caregiver can be incredibly discouraging. Confessed.