Yesterday was my son’s college graduation. As I drove up, I struggled to shake the feeling of loss that swept over me as I faced another big event without my parents. Since they both battled different forms of dementia, it is a blessing they are no longer on this earth, but how I miss them being able to celebrate another Engineer in the family bloodline. My Dad and Cole always ended up in giggles when the two of them got together and he would have reveled in the graduation.
As I sat at the ceremony listening to the Valedictorian, it became clear that no matter what your age, education, or beliefs, we are all struggling to find the right words to enter into civil discourse. As she and her classmates are preparing to continue their quest to make our world a better place, the things she shared with her peers felt immediately valuable to me as I work with many who have lost the ability to handle the complications of balancing a checkbook, negotiating a contract, or even planning a meal.
The added complexity in helping a loved one is that there are the familiar habits and patterns that may put your assistance out of the realm of ‘normal’ and cause discomfort. The best way for me to start a fight with my Mom was to ask if she wanted help with the bills and the checkbook. She didn’t sense any short coming in her abilities so my words felt like a betrayal when I reminded her of the missed water payment or the fact that she signed two contracts for the same home repair with two different vendors.
“Approach with humility and a desire to understand,” suggests Kate Hill. Give ‘space to silence’ and ‘don’t lock the doors’ — two ideas that I think can be applied simply to the role of caregiving.
I know the impatience I felt when I was working, raising two young kids, and also trying to help out my parents. I wanted to just take over and get things done. I needed to allow more time to cross the item off of the task list and include them in the process. So too must we apply this same approach to problems we are facing in our communities, states, and country.
When our loved ones are already losing so much, the last thing we need to do is to add to the list of losses. I’m excited to see what this generation will do for all of us and appreciate the on words she used to suggest how to be better citizens, friends, colleagues, parents, children, and caregivers. Impressed.