There are times when honesty is painful for everyone when a loved one has dementia. When my mom wondered when Dad was coming home from the hospital, I initially walked her through his death and how we were all surrounding him. I still puddle at the memory of these conversations and it’s been more than five years since I had them with Mom. She relived the pain as did I. Why didn’t I just say that he would be home in a few days? I had a fixed belief that honesty was the best policy … but there were many times when it didn’t serve my Mom.
I wish I had learned and understood this much earlier in my journey as a family caregiver. It will take some time to understand and adapt. However, being armed with this information can help you be a better care partner.
When I finally learned this information and how to apply it, I promised myself that I would tell the truth once and after the initial conversation would find a kinder way to respond to Mom’s questions or demands.
Once I learned how to change, life for both of us got better. Shared.
You know the feeling of helplessness when you don’t have any cash in your pocket and the thing you want requires cash? Well imagine if your loved ones took away your ability to buy things when you feel like you are making good choices?
In my job as a Daily Money Manager, I work for individuals who have usually been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment or even a specific form of dementia. Usually, at the request of a family member they call and invite me to come meet. They don’t understand why the family is concerned.
I start by asking them how they feel things are going. The response is usually more of “I am managing” and then they usually confess they know they have made “a few over/under payments.” I explain how my job is to help them feel confident in their bill payments and cash flow management. Ultimately, I work to help them feel empowered by continuing to pay bills together.
If I see there is a big concern over exposure to fraud or predatory service providers, I will set up a new checking account. It allows the individual to have a checkbook but the amount of money that is at risk is limited to the money in the account. NOTE: Do not set up overdraft protection but allow the checks to bounce.
A second option is the TrueLink Card. It is basically a funded gift card that you can apply protections too like turning off the ability to charge fees for jewelry, liquor, or phone charges (there are over 20 categories you can tweak). You can see what has been purchased. It does has some complications and limitations as I have seen. One client has had the card fail when he was trying to buy a watch battery (deemed as jewelry) as well as was not able to get his favorite local cheese at the Farmer’s Market because they were using a portable pay device (deemed as a phone charge). I have been able to customize the options and pre-approve that favorite cheese vendor, but when he is at the market, he needs the card to work and it doesn’t always.
At the end of the day, what we want is for our loved one to have meaning and purpose and often, taking away the money can strip them of some independence they deserve.
Is there a way for you to give back that power to a loved one and help them regain a sense of self? Hoped.
As the primary family care partner for my Mom, I was often taking her to a variety of medical appointments. While both of the communities she lived in had visiting doctor’s, they usually were unable to see her in a timely manner or did not have the type of expertise needed. For instance, after a fall sent my mom to the Emergency Room with a goose egg sized lump on her forehead, we were told we would need to schedule a visit to an Ear/Nose/Throat specialist. For that we needed to travel to a local provider.
The current communities are having to adapt to the changing demographics and health issues. Most of the Life Care Communities planned on having their residents span a few decades and start moving in when they were in their 60s.
Today, the average resident is over 85 and 70 percent of them have some form of cognitive issue. The community did not plan for their residents being unable to manage their own medical care needs due to cognitive issues. On top of that, there is a cost to get the resident to a doctor in both terms of staff time and transportation. In the metro-DC area, a trip to the doctor for just the transportation averages $110 and this is for individuals who can walk.
When you are visiting, be sure to ask how they deal with the minor health issues like a cold or flu. Do they have regular visits by a doctor and how often? What types of doctors visit? Most communities are going to be unable to handle these issues but it’s better to know before you have an issue than learn about the advocacy and transportation needs after you have made the move. While you may still need to leave to get to a specialist, it is helpful to know they have a robust option for on-site medical care for many of the minor issues that may faced a loved one. Advised.
P.S. Ask to speak with the families of other residents and ask them to share how they have found the doctor. One reader reminded me that you may need to verify what the community sales person tells you.
I remember the moments of joy when things felt normal. Whether it was taking a walk on a nature trail or having a conversation in which my mom shined through.
I also remember the moments when the loss was so noticeable I had to leave the room to avoid puddling into tears.
I was the daughter. I can only imagine the intensity of loss with a spouse. Finding a way to manage the journey for everyone is the most difficult challenge for both those diagnosed and those acting as care partners.
It’s easy to get distracted by trying to reach for a destination, but as I learned, I needed to be in the moment, not charting out what’s next. That can be difficult in our world that has evolved to an “always on” mentality. I still have to remind myself of this with my friends and family.
This is just a note to be kind to yourself. I made many mistakes, and most likely, you will too. However, there are many individuals that have no one by their side helping them. It’s not an easy road and your loved one is lucky to have you on this journey with them. Be kind to yourself. Reminded.
It’s nice to get recognition. For a fourth year, Healthline has selected Dealing With Dementia one of the Best Alzheimer’s Blogs. I started this blog for many reasons. One was to provide my siblings with insight into the issues I was facing as the only adult child living near my parents. But then it became a way for me to digest what was happening and dissect how I was dealing with it. I have lots of “mea culpa” blog posts. Turns out I finally figured out I learn by doing and I made a lot of mistakes.
Since I’m not one to miss a golden opportunity, I will use this to remind the readers that Alzheimer’s is just one of the five primary types of dementia’s — as shown in the image. It is the most common based on the number of diagnosed cases, but I also know that many individuals are never diagnosed.
The topic of when to move and why is a common discussion as our parents are aging and our friends are starting to discuss downsizing. In general, most people want to stay at home. However, there are quite a few issues to address from predatory service providers, socialization, and fall issues.
The issue that concerns me most are the single individuals living at home who don’t consider how long they might go without someone knowing to call for help. I have heard too many personal stories of loved ones being on the floor for so long it creates an open wound (this can be in just hours in an older adult) or another complication develops that radically changes their health. A wearable pendant with a push button won’t help someone who has a head injury so I also ask those individuals to consider the ones that will call you if a fall is detected. Unfortunately, you may find you are getting called more than you would like, but too many calls is better than zero should you need assistance.
However, I also have a dear client who moved into a community and I see how hard it is for her to make new friends. It’s clear to me that she has lost some short-term memory which can make it difficult to form new friendships. A recent news I read cited that “70 percent of residents have some degree of cognitive impairment” in Assisted Living communities.
With the average age of most Assisted Living communities in the 80s, it’s no wonder that the transition can be more difficult if the majority of the residents are unable to make new friends.
My mother who was the ultimate hostess and always taught me how important it is to make the new person feel welcomed had a very tough time connecting with the residents in her community. As her dementia progressed, she was unable to make connections. The hardest thing to witness was how much the other residents in Assisted Living avoided those with cognitive issues. I get it, but still don’t like it. I think because I have cared for two parents with dementia, I will always be sensitive to the isolation that they must feel and will make an effort to connect. What I don’t know is if my own cognitive changes might make me less compassionate when I’m in my 70s.
So now I’m wondering if moving earlier is better for the individual so they can develop new friendships and be more familiar with the community before they reach the critical time when living at home is just no longer an option due to safely issues or the costs of bringing the care needed to you. I wish there was a better way to determine what is the best option. For now, I think we all work to find the best options for our individual needs Wondered.
I’d love to hear what your family did or how you are making these choices. There is no right or wrong answer I don’t believe.
I didn’t handle the diagnosis of my parent’s well. I thought that hearing a doctor tell them they had dementia would suddenly make helping them easier for me. I finally realized that it was equally devastating to my Mom every time she was told.
For a large majority of individuals with vascular dementia – the type that comes after a stroke – they are unable to recognize their loss. My Mom had no physical changes, and for the first few months thought I was making up the fact that she had a stroke. The medical term is Anosognosia and I wish I knew and understood this when my Mom was diagnosed. She was medically unable to perceive that she had difficulty with her thinking and memory.
In the years since I lived through caring for two parents with dementia, I have found many individuals that don’t understand why a diagnosis mattered at all.
I have had a long-standing discomfort with the share of voice Alzheimer’s has taken. First and foremost is because most people don’t even know it is the most common form of dementia. I didn’t realize it until my Mom was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia, while my Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
What I have learned is that the primary types of dementia all come with varied behaviors, risks, possible treatments and care plans. One form of dementia comes with symptoms that present more as a personality change than symptoms of dementia. In general, changes in behavior, mood, and memory should all be discussed with your primary care physician. Knowing more can help everyone and I hope you will help learn more should you be concerned about your own health changes or those in a loved one. Encouraged.