Happy 60th Anniversary Mom and Dad

I struggle with those events that honor or mark an occasion when I know my parent’s don’t or won’t remember. I’m admitting this hoping I am not the only one that has battled this head game. I manage so many small details of my parent’s lives some days that the slight effort and scheduling to acknowledge the event feels overwhelming.

Then I remember that if my parents could, they would have celebrated this date.

I call to let my Mom know I am coming for a visit. She admits she is still in bed — it’s 10 a.m. I let her know I will be there in an hour. When I arrive my Dad answers the door. I wish him Happy Anniversary, and ask about Mom. She is still in bed, but dressed. She quickly gets up and joins us in the living room. I give my parents a fruit basket and “Happy Anniversary” Balloon on behalf of all their children.

When we talk about going down to get lunch, my Mom begs off. She says she is too dizzy to walk down to lunch. She is talking clearly so I assume she is just not eating enough. We bring her back food and she promises to eat it later.

After lunch we have a nice chat about how many couples make it to their 60th wedding anniversary. My Mom shares how lucky she feels they have been, which is now a staple of her conversation every time I visit. In the midst of the conversation, my Mom states “You need to move me to a smaller apartment after one of us dies. “

Just six months ago, the idea of moving them from Independent Living to Assisted Living was a major concern for me and my siblings. They have easily adapted to their new place that is less than 400 square feet. Now my Mom is already planning on moving to a smaller place.

I’m glad I made sure my parents could celebrate this day together. Rewarded.

USAA vs My Durable Power of Attorney

Two months ago, my mom sent in a payment to USAA for a policy we believed was cancelled in January.  As we were going through the move with my parents from Independent into Assisted Living, we tried to make changes to their policy. When USAA refused to make the changes we requested, we decided to cancel the policy and purchased new insurance. That was the quickest and easiest way for us to resolve having the insurance company accept our calls to make adjustments to our parents insurance policies.

My initial call on 5/7/2013 to update the address and straighten out my parents insurance policy started off badly. The woman on the phone asked me for a lot of information about me and my husband — birth dates, employer, social security numbers — and I was a little put-off.  I stopped her and asked her why she needed this and she admitted she was interested in updating the records she had on me since we were eligible for USAA.

I am sure my voice was not pleasant when I asked her to just help me resolve the issue that I called about. She continued to try to engage me and got an earful. At first she tried to suggest I complete the USAA version of the power of attorney. I explain that my parents no longer have the ability to sign over this power — and the durable power of attorney was done for this reason and should suffice. She finally provides me with the fax number and directions to get my request resolved.  She tells me it will take about 2 weeks to have the durable power of attorney reviewed and I would hear back from USAA confirming their receipt of my request.

When three weeks passed and I had not received an acknowledgement, I called back.  I’m told they don’t show receiving either of the two 11-page faxes I sent to the number provided. The gentleman promises that when they receive the documents, they will put it on the fast track and I should hear back within a few days.

I just resent both copies of my Durable Power of Attorney in today — I will let you know when I hear back and the outcome. Aggravated.

 

 

How did you get Dad to buy the small bottle?

Today my 15-year old son came with me on my visit with my parents. Both of my parents were interested in running errands. Usually, my mom comes with me while my Dad takes a nap. Today, my Dad is excited to go to the store.

We had to park in the auxiliary lot, which means we had quite a walk to get to the car. I was glad to see my Dad moving so well. He shows no signs of a limp and the dance with the wheelchair two weeks ago is just another odd-ball story from this journey we are on.

For the third visit in a row, my mom wants to go look at “lollipops.”  That is what she now calls cotton underpants. She is only willing to buy one pair, so when we find the package of 3, she refuses to make the purchase. I calmly attend to my mom’s questions and let her make her own choice on this. I know I will have to buy them and sneak them in her drawer to get her to accept replacements.

While we are off on that mission, I asked my son to help Pop-Pop find the section with the alcohol. My dad wants to purchase some Vodka for him and Bourbon for my mom.

The drinking has posed some issues for us over the past few years. However, I’m more concerned that my parents have some things that keep them feeling independent and allow them to follow the same 5 pm “Quiet Time” ritual they have had since I was a small child. We run into trouble when they don’t realize they have already had their drink and return to the bottle for a second. Thankfully, they are now in an environment that can manage and care for my parents should they need help.

Typically, my Dad will grab the biggest bottle he can find. When I return empty-handed with my mom and we rejoin my son and Dad at check out, I’m surprised to see two quarts instead of two gallons.

As we are driving home, I ask my son how he managed to guide my Dad to the sensible choice. He chuckles and just mentions that when my Dad grabbed the first bottle, he was surprised at how large it was and just said, “Wow, that looks like a really huge bottle.”  My dad agreed, put it down and followed my son’s advice on which bottles to buy.

Out of the mouth of babes!  Blessed. 

Super Senior Sunday -- 90 Year Olds Run The 100

Reblogged from Across the Divide:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eh4H3TN4Ty8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

A sport for life: Running. My Dad ran track for West Point and my son (15) has been on a track team since he was 8. May we all find an activity that takes us into our 90s!

The lady is returning from the hospital today.

When I walk into my parent’s apartment, sure enough, a wheelchair is sitting in the living room. After my brother asked me if I knew my dad was in a wheelchair, the search for the facts began.

I ask my parents a few questions and neither one can tell me where it came from, what happened and how long dad has been using the wheelchair. I just visited them four days before, so I know it hasn’t been that long.

I excuse myself and go visit the nursing staff. When I called yesterday, the women on the floor assured me my dad was not using a wheelchair.

I start to giggle as I walk to the nursing station. This is just weird. When I arrive and ask a few questions, the main floor manager tells me they haven’t seen him really use it, but I assure her that he can barely walk across the floor today. She confirms that my dad will see the doctor today. She said they initially thought it might be sciatica. I share with her that my dad broke his hip three years ago and has a pin and 4 screws — could something have happened?  She is surprised when I share this news — “Your Dad didn’t mention that he had a pin or screws in his hip!”

I’m initially surprised they asked my Dad, but also know that treating them as capable and independent is important.

I’m thinking that information is in his medical record. Obviously something they haven’t even had a chance to look at. This isn’t a critical care issue. We talk through my concerns and then start to determine where the wheelchair came from. It wasn’t one of theirs and the head nurse realizes that their neighbor went to the hospital and has been there for two days. That jives with the timeline, so we think we solved the mystery of the wheelchair.

I share with the nurse that my over-riding concern is that we keep my Dad out of  a wheelchair. I’ve heard that some dementia patients that have had accidents lose the ability to walk during their rehabilitation —  due to their dementia they are unable to relearn how to walk.  My mom barely weighs 100 pounds and won’t be able to help my Dad if he’s in a wheelchair. I’m worried he would have to move into the medical wing or even the dementia wing to get the care he would need given the wheelchair complication.

They only moved into Assisted Living a few months ago, I’m not ready to see my Dad decline so fast. Frightened. 

Did you know Dad was in a Wheelchair?

On a daily basis I call my parents. When my brother’s text arrived asking ” Did you know that Dad was in a wheelchair?” I’m alarmed. I just called my parents yesterday and there was no mention of a fall, an issue or a wheelchair.

I first call my brother who tells me that when he spoke to our Mom today, she mentioned that Dad is now in a wheelchair. They could not remember when he got it or exactly why. I do recall watching when I visited my parents a few days ago that my Dad was limping. When I asked him, he just responded that his leg is a little sore.

Three years ago, my dad broke his hip. To me, that was a pivot point in his cognitive decline. I believe the surgery was very difficult on him. However, he easily bounced back physically and was playing racquetball within three months of the surgery.

I tell my brother I’m alarmed that the nursing staff didn’t call to tell me they issued a wheelchair for Dad. I immediately call them and they confirm that my Dad is not in a wheelchair. What is going on?

I finally connect with my parents on the phone and they confirm to me that Dad is in a wheelchair. If the staff doesn’t know about it — did my Dad possibly take someone else’s wheelchair? Puzzled.

The Digital Keys to Your Estate

In the past week, The New York Times has run two stories on two different angles of our modern-day lives. 

The first story posted on May 24th Leaving Behind the Digital Keys to Financial Lives discusses the real life issue created that is not being addressed in current financial or estate planning. Our financial lives are online – we have paperless statements, automated bill payments as well as credit cards on file with several of our treasured online services. If you have not documented these, your loved ones would have no clue on how to access this information. This goes beyond the roster of accounts and includes the online access codes and details with those accounts. This is the prime problem I created the MemoryBanc Register to solve — it helps individuals catalog and share this information if it is ever needed. 

What most American’s fail to recognize is that until our 80s, we are more likely to suffer a disability than die. You may very well be on this planet and need to have someone in your life access and manage your affairs for you – if even only temporarily.

Don’t forget about the $58 billion sitting in state and federal treasuries. This is not a new problem.

The second story is from May 25th Bequeathing the Keys to Your Digital Afterlife which deals with the issue of all those online assets, like photographs or even your blog. Google is the first to set up a provision for this and hopefully, the other online firms will follow. Hoped.

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